Caring for Our Aging Parents: The Dilemma of Daughters vs. Sons

My mother, Judy, and me in her nursing home 2 years agoA new study confirms that daughters are much more likely than sons to care for their aging mothers. This is no surprise to many, but what does it mean for our well-being as women if our brothers are off the hook?

Researchers at Cornell University have confirmed what many of us already suspect:  Daughters are more than twice as likely as sons to become caregivers for their mothers.  According to their study released this week, a daughter who lives close by when a mother experiences health problems is the sibling most likely to become the caregiver. My own brother passed away in 2004, and I have no sisters, but I hear from many other women that caregiving almost always falls to them as daughters (or daughters-in-law).

Other studies have shown that women are much more likely than men to provide daily hands-on care such as bathing, dressing, and feeding. If a man is involved in caregiving, he is more likely to be supervising that care from a distance. (There are many, many exceptions, of course. Men are taking on caregiving in growing numbers. To read about hands-on caregiving from a male perspective, check out Gary Joseph LeBlanc, Bob DeMarco, or “Martyn.”)

My teenager son and daughterAs the mother of a 17-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter, who do I think would be more likely to care for me if my husband were gone and I needed help with long-term care? My daughter. I think that’s because my daughter and I talk more to each other and share our feelings. My son, who just graduated from high school, says “hi” and “bye” as he runs to work or to hang out with his girlfriend. My daughter is busy, too, but she’s just more attuned to my needs (and moods), and more demonstrative physically (she’s a hugger). Whether it’s because of her genetic disposition, her gender, or my own expectations of her growing up, my daughter seems more like a natural caregiver than her brother.  I don’t think that’s fair to either her or to her brother, but that’s the way it is.

Read more (published on caregivers.com)

Readers' Favorite Book Awards Gives "Inside the Dementia Epidemic" a Silver Medal!

I'm thrilled today to tell you that my book has won a 5th award--this one a silver medal in the Health/Medical category from the 2013 Readers' Favorite book awards! They've also written an excellent review: 

http://readersfavorite.com/book-review/8713

Thank you, Readers' Favorite!

6 Ways to Find Free Support as a Caregiver

I'm so excited this week that the folks at Caregivers.com have asked me to blog for them twice a week about caregiving. Here is my debut post:

30% of family caregivers are depressed, and 60% report extreme stress. Caregivers need help—affordable help—but we often don’t know where to look.

Mom, age 74, and me with her elderly miniature Schnauzer When I first started caring for my mother, Judy, 8 years ago, I didn’t think of myself as a “family caregiver”; like many adult children caring for an aging parent, I thought I was just a daughter doing what needed to be done.  I soon learned, however, that becoming a family caregiver is like taking on a brand-new job—a job that requires plenty of information and support.  As I cared for her in my home, then supervised her care in assisted living, the hospital, a rehab center, a “memory care” facility and a nursing home, I drew upon many sources of support.

If you are caring for a senior, here are 6 ways to find free information, advice and relief as a caregiver:

1. Your county’s Office for the Aging. Most offices for the aging provide free caregiver counseling and caregiver support groups where you can share your concerns and receive sound advice. My own office for the aging was the first place I turned to for help when Mom lived with me, and I continued to go to their dementia caregiver support group even after Mom passed away in December. Your office for the aging should also be able to tell you if there are respite services available in your area (where volunteers come into your home and give you a break for a few hours a week). And they may offer Powerful Tools for Caregivers classes. To find your county’s office for the aging, visit the Eldercare Locator online, a public service of the U.S. Administration on Aging.

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Pet Therapy Can Bring Joy and Comfort to People with Dementia

My mother, Judy, in the early stages of dementia with her elderly miniature Schnauzer Trinka. We had to take care of Trinka when Mom moved from our home into assisted living, but visits were always sweet.

Even when my mother, Judy (left), was living with advanced dementia, she seemed to enjoy activities such as sitting outside in the garden, listening to music, or petting my miniature Schnauzer, Shadow, on her lap.

In elder care facilities, Mom's time with Shadow would be called "pet therapy." Recently I was asked by eCareDiary.com to talk more about pet therapy. What is it? And is it true that pet therapy can help a senior cope with the challenges of dementia?

This is what I wrote:

"Pet therapy” is when caregivers use pets to help a person with dementia feel calmer and happier. Research suggests that interacting with a pet can relieve depression and anxiety in people with dementia; lower a person’s blood pressure and heart rate; and increase their appetite. Dogs, cats, fish, and other animals can lighten a person’s mood, even in the last stages of dementia.

My mother, who had vascular dementia and probable Alzheimer’s disease, seemed to relax whenever my miniature Schnauzer, Shadow, lay on her lap. Even in her final year with dementia, Mom was able to pet him a little bit and stroke his ears, gazing down at him and smiling. Since my mother had owned three miniature Schnauzers before dementia set in, I believe that she remembered, deep down, how it Shadow, my miniature Schnauzer who gave Mom much joy on our visits after her own Schnauzer passed awayfelt to pet them and love them. Whenever I took her for walks in her wheelchair with Shadow snuggled on her lap, Mom looked serene.

My mother’s roommate, a sweet woman in an earlier stage of dementia than my mother, would always perk up at the sight of Shadow, invite him onto her lap, talk to him, and laugh. Like many of the other residents in Mom’s nursing home, she seemed to “come alive” whenever he was in the room.

If you are a caregiver looking for a dementia care facility for your loved one such as a “memory care” assisted living facility or a nursing home, look for one that welcomes animals on site, such as the staff’s own dogs or cats brought from home; visits by pets owned by the family of residents; or regular visits by certified pet therapy dogs through local organizations.  Many assisted living facilities are now allowing residents to bring their pets when they move in. Nursing homes that are part of the Eden Alternative® registry believe strongly in the value of having animals on the premises every day to relieve what they call the three plagues of elder care:  loneliness, helplessness, and boredom.

A man named Dale with his dog WendyIf you care for a loved one with dementia at home, pet therapy may simply mean helping to take care of your loved one’s pet so they can remain together. It could also mean “redirecting” your loved one to pay attention to the pet instead of whatever is causing them agitation.  And although having a pet requires a bit more work from a family caregiver, an animal in the home can help relieve caregiver stress and provide companionship. A friend of mine, Diana, cares for her husband, Dale, at home (left). Dale loves their little dog, Wendy. Diana says, "Wendy is an extreme stress reliever for me, too. When I get frustrated or depressed she is right there bringing comfort and unconditional love. Such a big heart in a tiny dog!"

***

Another of my favorite "pet therapy" photos is of a frail woman in bed caressing the face of a horse--a real horse!  I didn't ask for permission to share it with you, because the woman just passed away, but imagine--her family knew that she loved horses, so they brought one into her room. In the photo, the woman is clearly full of joy.

Do you have a favorite "pet therapy" story? Please share it below.

My Radio Interview with Advice for Caregivers

I'm delighted today to be able to share with you a recording of my radio interview with Tish Pearlman for her show "Out of Bounds." We talked about my book and what it was like to care for my mother My mom, Judy, at age 75, days before she fractured her pelvis and I had to scramble to get her into rehabwith dementia for 8 years at home and in a variety of elder care facilities. This 30-minute interview is packed full of information for anyone who cares for a person with Alzheimer's disease or another dementia.

Here are some of the questions Tish asked me:

• What was it like to have my mother, Judy, live with me and my husband and two young children?

• Did my mother feel like I was trying to take over, to control her?

• Why is it important to get a full medical work-up if you suspect early cognitive decline?

• What is a "memory care" facility?

• What do the late stages of dementia look like?

• How did caring for my mother all those years change me as a person?
  
  
• What is one piece of advice I would give a new caregiver?

In the link, my recording is at the bottom of the page. I hope you find this interview helpful--and hopeful!

http://www.outofboundsradioshow.com/shows.php